Satirical Resume

R É S U M É

OBJECTIVE

The summer job you will undoubtedly give me pays well, has notable experience and a refreshing work environment, and will actually look good on my résumé.

QUALIFICATIONS/ABILITIES

Can skillfully navigate the World Wide Web and use electronic mail. Extensive knowledge of MS-DOS 6.0 as well as Windows 3.11/95/98/ME/2000/XP. Mad l33t gaming skillz in Unreal Tournament: Capture the Flag (Facing Worlds) and Team Fortress Classic (soldier class). Reading and writing, plus some arithmetic skills. Able to lift and move heavy shit. Subpar complaining and whining expertise.

WORK EXPERIENCE

PUYALLUP FAIR (Summer 2001) Sundry Stand Duties: Selling pain killers, ear plugs, cigarettes, and other miscellaneous items to avid fair goers. Experience: I can use a cash register and make change!!!11!1 Asked underage teenage brats to show me their I.Ds. and then firmly declined to sell them eight inch jumbo cigars. SPHERION TEMP AGENCY (Summer 2000 & Summer 2001) Temporary Worker (jobs follow) Loader/Unloader @ Clothing Warehouse Duties: Loading and unloading boxes of up to 80 pounds to and from trucks. Worked 50-55 hour weeks. Experience: Withstood unbearable heat from truck trailers and revolting B.O. from co-workers who have yet to discover deodorant. Earned nickname "Stud Muffin." ('cause I make those boxes wet!)* Regularly threw, punched, and kicked cardboard boxes full of clothes as a way to release stress, anger, and sexual frustration. * Inside joke. Please inquire during our interview for further details. Assembly Line Worker @ Raleigh & Derby Bicycle Factory Duties: Carrying out a boring, repetitive action. Experience: Able to stand in the same place and do the same f@%#^ng thing again and again for an entire nine hour work day. Worked and tried to communicate with a diverse group of co-workers from many ethnic backgrounds, such as Asian, African, Russian, and Hispanic. And White people, too! Tax Return Filer @ US Bank Duties: Sorting tax return statements along with checks of tens of thousands of dollars and placing them into shitty little cardboard boxes. Experience: Able to completely rip open an envelope with a swift hand motion in under half a second. That's 100% pure skill, baby! Inventory @ ATM-based Warehouse Duties: Fixing inventory mistakes that some dumbass made. Opened hundreds of boxes to double-check numerous serial tags on sensitive electronic equipment. Experience: Ignoring annoying, incompetent, brain-damaged co-workers. Lame Grunt Job @ Tabs Plus Duties: Putting pamphlets together by placing one piece of paper on top of another. Worked night shift. Experience: Discovered how to daydream and entertain myself while flawlessly completing mindless job. Was not driven to insanity by co-worker's choice of radio station that played Britney Spears, Backstreet Boys, and Faith Hill, over and over and over. I AM IMMUNE TO PAPER CUTS FOR THEY CANNOT HARM ME!! MUAHAHAHA!!!! I FEEL NO PAIN!!! While driving home at 2 A.M., was able to achieve 70 MPH in '87 Subaru Wagon on dark, curvy, 40 MPH Dash Point Road. (Note: thrill and adrenaline were required to help me stay awake, an example of my pro-safety conscience) ENCHANTED VILLAGE/WILD WAVES (Summer 1999) Ride Operator Duties: Loading/unloading various occupants of all ages to and from rides, managing strict safety guidelines, pressing start/stop buttons, and cleaning up regurgitated substances and so-scared-I-pissed-my-pants urine. Experience: Making kids puke. MY NEIGHBOR, THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT LADY NEXT-DOOR (1996-1999) Professional House Sitter Duties: Feeding cats and opening/closing blinds. Experience: Earned trust of neighbor, proof that you too may trust me with the keys to your home.

EDUMACATION

High School Slacker (Class of 2000) Junior at the University of Washington (so maybe I wasn't a slacker). Psych major; expected graduation date: June 2004 A+ Certified Computer Service Technician (I can build/upgrade, trouble-shoot, and break your computer with my Level 12 telekinetic cybernetic powers!)

HOBBIES

Downloading pirated MP3s Lighting things on fire Throwing burning objects out windows Talking to myself about fascinating psychological, philosophical, and phenomenological theories of the universe and the nature of human consciousness. Sleeping

REFERENCES

References available upon request to demonstrate exceptional work ethic and ambition.* * Note: References may or may not be available upon request. Also, this sentence may have been plagiarized from another résumé.